Knowing and actualizing are two very different things. I know that writing every day is extremely beneficial for a whole host of reasons. The truth is this: writing this much has become a struggle, an unexpected challenge. I am always looking for some source of inspiration to keep me in the mindset of writing, looking for an excuse to write. At times, I feel like a fraud…wondering what it is that I even have to write about. Who wants to hear what I have to say?
To help move through this funk of sorts, I have turned to Natalie Goldberg and her book “Wild Mind, Living the Writer’s Life”. This is a book about the writing practice and has started to fulfill my desire to be inspired. Just beyond her rules of writing practice, the first warm-up exercise can be found. In short, we are to explore both the positive and negative sides of simple “I” statements, such as: I know / I don’t know, I am / I am not, I want / I don’t want, or I feel / I don’t feel. I selected her first suggestion: I remember / I don’t remember. The instructions are easy enough…follow the rules and for each side of the “I” write for 10 minutes (timed with a stopwatch).
Here I am openly sharing myself to whoever pauses long enough to read these words, and to be fully transparent this does feel very freeing and therapeutical for me. The following is what I wrote…mostly unedited from the original jotting in my journal. Thank you for taking time out of your day to witness these words. If anything here moves you, please share in the comments.
I remember those times when life seemed to be so very simple. The smell of freshly cut grass, the calm, cool breeze that takes the edge of the heat of the day. Things were just easier then, as a child there were no worries. I could run and play all day and I was unburdened of rules and only the sense of wonderment of what I might get into next propelled me in a hundred of different directions. I just did whatever. I remember how free I use to feel, how free we all use to feel. These are the times that should be with us always. My mind wanders at the thought of what if. What if we could be free as we were as children? I remember how it was to walk to school, to be in school to learn. I remember when I was full of emotion, long before the dregs of society discouraged me from feeling. There was an air of lightness that carried me through each one of my days. It was as though I was floating in the ocean, drifting along in the most pure of ways that curated only the finest in meaning and connectivity. I remember being shown the path and being held with the utmost care. I remember the warmth and I remember the love.
I don’t remember my childhood at all. There is nothing for me to recall. I feel as though the years that I spent disconnecting from this realm significantly damaged my ability to see into my past. This makes things difficult as I am trying to better myself, to grow into an authentic being. I don’t remember the bad times when I caused trouble or got into something that I should not have. I don’t remember the good times either. All of those lines above are made up….those are the memories that I wish I had. I am trying to re-construct a life that I simply can not recall. This dark shroud has been wrapped tightly and it covers every part of my essence with a layer of regret. As much as I try to push it all aside, it seems to be a permanent fixture in my mind. This blackness plagues my desire to remember who I was. I want to remember so that I can learn and so that I can sooth those parts that have been hurt. I don’t remember the love, it feels lacking in all of my experiences. I don’t remember the warmth that I so long for. Mine is a chill to the bone, a loneliness that has frozen every aspect of who I was. That cold still remains in my heart.
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